*** I’m publishing this post after giving birth as time just slipped away in the lead up to labour! Spoiler alert: Baby girl and I are both healthy, happy and thriving and settling into our new life really well!***
Hello strangers! It’s been a very long while… I can’t believe how quickly this whole pregnancy journey has flown by. It has also been totally consuming. I have not had much bandwidth for anything else. I had so many ideas of pregnancy workouts that I was going to film and creating ebooks and workshops and and and… And then nine months just passed and I hadn’t done any of those things. (Maybe next time?!)
So as I sit at nearly 40 weeks pregnant and patiently await the arrival of our little girl, I thought I’d do a very long overdue blog post and take you through my pregnancy journey.
It was the first week in August when I started to wonder why my period was quite late. My cycle was historically very regular, but due to covid/lockdown stress it had been all over the show for a few months – very early one month, delayed the next, so I didn’t really know where I was in my cycle anymore! I’d been feeling quite bloated, but put it down to all the baking I’d been doing and eating. I was also feeling quite emotional and tired, but again I put it down to premenstrual symptoms. Eventually though, I started to wonder… am I pregnant? Could I be? And so off I went to buy my first ever pregnancy test at the ripe age of 36! LOL.
I peed on the stick and it was a very definite positive. Whoa. A million emotions shot through my mind and body. I shared the news with my husband, who at first thought I was pranking him, but very quickly turned to absolute delight. I won’t go into the nitty gritty of all we’ve been through during the past year financially with covid, etc… but needless to say it’s been hard AF and maybe not the best time to fall pregnant. But I’m a huge believer in everything happening for a reason and I have a deep trust of the universe and its timing. So once the initial surprise wore off, I immediately turned my attention to deep gratitude for this gift of life growing inside me.
I was very lucky in that I only experienced some mild nausea for a few weeks – usually first thing in the morning and if I ate straight after waking, then the feeling subsided. I was very sensitive to food smells (well smells in general!) and one night when my husband was cooking lamb sausages, I thought I might actually throw up. I had quite an aversion to meat initially and was just craving tons of fruit and starchy carbs. I think that was to help deal with the insane fatigue! I was totally wiped – I just wanted to nap all day. Many days I didn’t think I had the strength to give classes or train my clients. My husband would convince me to get out of bed and work and I always actually felt better after moving.
I was surprised at how quickly my body seemed to change. My boobs exploded over night and I felt constantly bloated, no matter what I ate. I thought that I was just going to balloon into a whale over the next few months! I had to coach myself through some moments where I was all caught up in my body and my perceptions. I reminded myself that this was just a season of life – that my body was blooming in making a life. That perspective shift and acceptance helped a lot.
As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I immediately started taking a folate supplement (folate is easier for your body to absorb than folic acid) a crucial nutrient in fetal development. I also started doing a ton of research, because that’s what I love to do! I found a new OBGYN who was more aligned with my birth wishes (vaginal with as little intervention as possible) and made our first appointment for my 8 week scan.
Seeing our little jelly bean for the first time was amazing and we chose to tell family and a few close friends. It’s a funny time, where you really want to shout from the rooftops that you’re pregnant, but it’s also nice having this special secret. There’s also that tiny bit of fear and trepidation that it’s still early days and miscarriages and other complications can happen.
Initially I did miss not being able to drink; especially as I had a few close friend’s birthdays in those early months. The FOMO was real. Feeling fresh the next day was a good consolation prize though!
Our 12 week fetal assessment scan arrived. That was the day that it all became really real! To see our little baby so clearly – looking like a tiny human and not like a jelly bean – was the most amazing experience. We wanted to find out the sex and when the technician told us with great confidence that it was a girl, happy tears sprung to my eyes.
I had planned to share our news on social media that week, but we were struck by tragedy. Our beloved dog Joshua was attacked by another dog and died a few hours later. The loss was absolutely shattering for us and I feared that I could lose the baby from the shock. I had to really pull myself together for her sake. I spoke a lot to her inside me – explaining what had happened and why I was so sad, but that she was safe and loved and mustn’t worry. A week later we were gifted another angel dog and that really helped to soften the loss. It was time to share the big news and I have never felt such a tremendous outpouring of love, support and well wishes. People really do celebrate new life!
And just like that my first trimester was over!
Ah the wonderful “honeymoon trimester” as they call it. For most women, the nausea and fatigue subside and you get a jolt of energy. All of the crazy hormone surges and body changes seemed to level out during this time and I felt really great. This was when I started to experience some of those pregnancy perks like thicker hair and glowing skin. Wonderful! My little bump was just that – little. I still dressed to kind of hide it because it looked like I was just rather bloated most of the time and not pregnant.
Somewhere during this lovely phase I overdid it a little with my exercising (too much enthusiasm with my regained energy) and I landed up with sciatica. Having never experienced this before it was not so fun – walking hurt, sneezing hurt, sleeping hurt, demonstrating exercises to my clients was off the cards. Luckily with some professional help ( my bestie who is an amazing physiotherapist and also treatment from a chiropractor) lots of icing, rest, gentle stretching and patience, I was right as rain a few weeks later.
It was during this time that I was also quite busy with work and had some amazing opportunities come my way – the highlight was appearing on live TV on the Expresso morning show. Me and my 19 week little bump made our TV debut and it was such a thrill!
During the early part of this trimester I also did a comprehensive Pilates mat course – it was just in time in terms of being able to do a lot of the core work and lying on my stomach. My brain hadn’t turned to absolute mush yet, so hopefully I absorbed and retained most of the info! Time will tell when I finally get round to doing my exam!
At 21 weeks we had our second comprehensive fetal assessment scan. Everything was A-Ok! Baby was in a breech position though, so getting some of the measurements was a little tricky. We were told that she had very long legs, but was quite petite otherwise. I mean what else could a girl ask for?!
Being pregnant during Covid was actually a blessing in disguise for me. There was nothing to really have FOMO for, I didn’t have to get dressed up and go anywhere (made it super economical on the maternity clothing front) and I was quite content to just stay home and chill as much as possible.
It took quite some time for my belly to actually pop. I think I only started looking a little bit pregnant around 25 weeks or so – not for lack of trying though! I was eating tons more than usual and working out way less. Everyone carries differently, bellies show differently on various frames – we are all so unique. There’s no right, wrong, good or bad. All preggie bellies are beautiful and perfect. So if you’re going through this journey, try to keep that in mind – no comparisons, no judgements!
I must also mention some other self-care things I was doing which really helped me.
Gua sha and facial massage a few times a week really helped with the puffiness I felt in my face.
Dry brushing a few times a week really helps with lymph drainage and circulation. I also lathered myself up with a very thick body butter every night, especially on my tummy, boobs and butt. Stretch marks are largely down to genetics, so if your mom or sister has them, it’s likely you will too and vice versa… but every little bit helps in preventing! So I made sure to really hydrate my skin with rich, nourishing oils and butters. I also made sure to boost my skin’s elasticity from the inside: lots of water, collagen powder and bone broth, as well as plenty of good fats!
Staying mobile throughout my pregnancy has also really helped with circulation. During my second trimester, I would lie with my legs up the wall at the end of the day for five mins or so to help with drainage – this became a bit uncomfortable in my third trimester, so I stopped. Which brings me to a very important point – LISTEN TO YOUR BODY! No two bodies are the same; no two pregnancies are the same… so always trust your intuition and how you’re feeling and do what works for YOU!
Because of baby’s breech position, I started doing (almost) daily Spinning Babies exercises to try and encourage her to turn. Walking and swimming are also great for helping baby get into a good birth position.
The final stretch!
So many moms warned me that the last trimester feels like an eternity. I didn’t have this experience though. The last three months have flown by as equally fast as the previous trimesters. Maybe it’s because I’ve had a relatively smooth ride? I don’t know.
I actually really enjoyed this time, as my belly finally really expanded and I looked and felt proper pregnant! I would spend loads of time just staring at my belly in awe. The human body is truly amazing.
Once again I had a flare up of sciatica – probably a little too much training a few days in a row and then I was back to hobbling around and being in a lot of pain. Luckily I knew what to do – physiotherapy, icing, stretching and resting as much as possible. Again it took about 3-4 weeks to ease up completely and then I was right as rain again!
I started to really amp up my birth prep practices – daily hypnobirthing exercises, red raspberry leaf tea, eating dates and lots of iron rich foods…
My iron levels were tested at about 32 weeks and they were a little low, so I started taking an iron supplement. My energy levels (which I thought had been pretty good so far) increased and I no longer felt the need for an afternoon nap.
I think it was at my 36 week scan that we finally learned that baby had turned herself around and was in the perfect birth position! I was so relieved!
During this time I also had a special little baby shower / goddess circle celebration, which was so so special. I felt very lucky to still be able to mark this occasion, as I wasn’t sure I would be able to due to Covid. My heart could have exploded from all the love and support and kind words I received. It’s really cool to have so many mom friends who’ve been through this and a few of my closest friends being pregnant at the same time as me. Such an beautiful journey to share!
At about 36 weeks I started taking 1000mg of Evening Primrose Oil, which is said to help ripen the cervix and help with birth prep. I amped up my red raspberry leaf tea to 3 cups a day – it’s amazing for toning the uterus. I also decided to cut out caffeine, as I wanted to be as unstimulated and zen as possible.
The nesting urge really kicked into gear and I wanted to obsessively clean and organise. The baby’s room is actually still not complete as I type this…but should be ready in the next day or so. Literally last minute dot com. We have everything that the baby really needs: me, my boobs, a bassinet. Don’t worry, we actually have a lot more than that! I had so much fun folding baby clothes Marie Kondo style and organising all the baby things. I wonder how long that aesthetically pleasing organisation will last once the baby arrives? (* Update* – still need to do a few finishing decor touches to the baby room… work in progress!*)
I stopped working at 38 weeks – I had to actually be forced to by my husband, otherwise I probably would have carried on working until I went into labour! What can I say? I love my job and I love my clients… but it was time for me to really slow down, put my feet up and eat eat eat.
My husband has been on a mission to really feed me up, as my tummy and our baby have been measuring a little small. I had been eating so much more already, but I surrendered to my husband’s will and amped up my food intake even more – sometimes having double lunches or dinners. I’ve also been indulging in all my lovely cravings even more so as this journey starts to come to an end.
I’m currently reading up on all things postpartum. I’m going to practice the First 40 Days, which is basically staying home and bonding with baby, eating very specific recovery/healing foods and doing as little else as possible. My mom is going to move in for that time to help with cooking, cleaning, dogs, etc. I’m so so grateful for her and that support!
I’ve been journaling and talking to baby lots. I’ve also been watching lots of positive birth stories on YouTube. My hospital bags are nearly fully packed. Birth playlists are made. And now we wait patiently. It’s wild to think that any moment my labour could begin and a whole new adventure awaits!
I have learnt so much from this experience already. I have never felt such a deep sense of calm and trust in myself and the universe. I feel so full. Full of life. Full of love. I feel a deep confidence in myself carrying this life inside me. I feel strong and powerful and beautiful. I feel so very blessed.
So if you’re reading this, I may or may not have had my baby already?! I will obviously be taking time off… who knows for how long? I look forward to my return as a mother and all the inspiration and experience that will bring to all that I do.
Thank you for reading! See you soon!
Lots of love
So I left off with me having graduated as a health coach through IIN, wanting to change careers, but just feeling tethered to the film industry. I had so many self-doubts: I’m not qualified enough; I’m not young enough; pretty enough; fit enough; clever enough; I haven’t got enough savings to support this career change.
You know, the usual! Just standing in my own damn way!
was coming to a close and I decided it was high time to at least launch my business as a side hustle. I began working with an amazing designer, The Vegan Bliss Co, who came up with my gorgeous logo, branding and website design. It was time to put myself out there!
Bespoke Body was born and I started accepting paying clients in between film work. It was exciting to finally be taking steps towards living my true purpose. Juggling the film industry with anything else is not easy. Film hours are insane and demanding. When I was on a super hectic shoot, I wouldn’t really be able to give much energy or focus to Bespoke Body, so it felt a little stop/start.
Health wise, I was still pretty much walking my talk. I managed to stay fit and well on film jobs, even when I was away from home. I love to tell clients about this time in my life, because I was honestly sometimes working 16 hour days, 6 days a week, yet I still managed to make time for good nutrition, meditation and movement to support my body and keep me feeling tip-top. Even if it was 5 mins of exercise or deep breathing and getting a green concoction in when I was in the middle of nowhere… It’s about staying consistent. If you want something, you will make it happen!
Please don’t think that I’m a complete saint though! I always preach about finding YOUR balance, so for me, there are and were many moments of indulgence and couch potato days. Burgers and wine, balanced by green smoothies and a workout. Lack of sleep, then sleeping in. Fun parties with friends and then meditation retreats. You get the picture.
I was recently engaged and while many brides-to-be would immediately start dieting and training and “shedding for the wedding”, I had no such inclination.
I actually spent so much of the year travelling, which was a treat (especially looking back now!), so I was going with the flow in terms of eating and exercise and obviously enjoying all of my travel experiences without restriction or guilt. I spent five months of the year shooting a TV series in Morocco; then I got to spend 10 days in Greece with my girlfriends for my bachelorette and then finally I went to visit my fiancé on Mauritius.
Due to all the travel and wedding prep, Bespoke Body things were obviously not top priority.
I did have a few dark moments during the year of feeling frustrated, lost and stuck in terms of BB – and I must admit there were some occasions where I binge-ate and emotionally ate to numb or distract myself from those feelings.
The final push before the wedding, I was really proud of myself for not going to extremes with my diet and exercise. I just carried on as normal – working out, eating well, with plenty of celebrations in between. I look at my wedding photos and I look like myself – happy, healthy and normal!
And that brings us to this crazy year! In January, I finally took the leap of faith and said no to many film work offers. I wanted to dedicate myself full time to all things Bespoke Body.
I started teaching group fitness classes. I was creating cleanses and recipes and just fully fully living my brand and I looked and felt my absolute best!
I was nearly three months into that journey, slowly slowly building things up from scratch, when we were hit with a pandemic and a strict lockdown.
Initially the stress of my husband not being able to work and our very little savings dwindling, big mountain of debt, coupled with me teaching up to two classes a day online, meant I lost some weight.
Somewhere during lockdown, (like many others) I started baking and cooking (and often eating) like a maniac. I slowed down with my teaching schedule (burnout was defs looming!) and next thing you know I’d packed on a few kilos.
I think it was around the time that I started reviewing my old journals to write this series, that I laughed at myself stressing at a certain number on a scale back in the day (thinking I was so huge!) and here I was basically weighing the same again. My body composition was definitely better from my consistent exercise habit, so I guess I looked better. (Another reason to not be so fixated with numbers on a scale!) The greatest change though, was that gaining a little weight, didn’t send me into a downward spiral of depression, further self-sabotage, then guilt and punishment! No more of that!
What I’m so proud of is that I’ve come to learn that my outward appearance and weight are transient and almost inconsequential in comparison to my inner landscape! Hallelujah.
Around this time, a few months ago, I started to feel consistently bloated and tired. My boobs seemed bigger, I was a little bit emotional. I put the bloating down to my weight gain and all the lockdown baking; I put the other symptoms down to PMS.
But my period didn’t come… and didn’t come… and so eventually I decided to get a pregnancy test.
And what do ya know? I was pregnant! Whoa! That explained a lot!
The first trimester, I felt so bloated, tired and uncomfortable. The sudden feeling of losing control of my body was overwhelming. My boobs went massive overnight. I already didn’t know what to wear – especially as most of my day is spent in tight workout clothes. I barely had energy to train my clients, let alone myself. I was lucky to only experience a tiny bit of nausea and in between that, my appetite was huge! I guess feeling so tired, just made me crave carbs, sugar and comfort food.
Luckily, I’m in the glorious second trimester now and I’m feeling pretty normal! My energy is good, my appetite seems to have stabilised and I guess I’m growing used to my ever changing and expanding new body.
I’ve had to coach myself through a few moments of self-judgement and criticism, but I’m happy to say that I think I’m owning it and embracing this season of my life! I am growing a child and my body is blooming. So I take time to move my body in ways that feel good. I make sure I’m getting good nutrition in, but you better believe I’m also having quite a few more treats and indulgences than usual, coz #YOPO (You’re on pregnant once) – although there’ll probs be another in the future, who knows?! One baby at a time! Eeeeep!
So that’s my journey so far: gaining, losing, gaining, losing, gaining.
I’ve learnt so much along the way and now it is my deepest honour to guide and help other women on their own journeys to finding balance, happiness, peace and love with their own bodies.
Thank you for reading!
Lots of love!
If you have not read Part 1, I suggest you do so before continuing. Again… a little disclaimer and trigger warning for those currently dealing with issues of body dysmorphia or eating disorders, this may not be the best reading for you if you are feeling unstable. I must also reiterate that this piece is mostly exerts from my journal going back to 2007. I was in a very different head space (I actually felt like a totally different person!) and as you’ve hopefully witnessed from my current work and content, I’ve healed, transformed and grown immensely since then! It has been so interesting to look back and see how far I’ve come. I also want to give hope to those who don’t believe dramatic and lasting transformation is possible. It is!
02 June 2007
What can only be described as a BREAKTHROUGH!!! I was feeling sad and lonely…. and I DIDN’T USE FOOD TO COMFORT MYSELF!!! I wasn’t even really tempted by the thought of binge eating. I just thought to myself “What for? It will only make me feel worse.” Hallelujah!
I got on the scale yesterday. I was disappointed. I expected the loss to be more. I still have a long, long way to go. I just have to remind myself that I’m trying to change and reprogram my body AND my brain. This takes time… especially if I want the results to last a lifetime. I just have to treat this as a learning process. I’m getting stronger day by day.
06 June 2007
It’s cold and it’s a struggle to find the motivation to change into my workout clothes. But every single time I get into my workout gear and start to break a sweat, my mood is lifted and I forget my worries… I start to feel free. When those endorphins kick in, I feel invincible. I believe I can do anything – achieve all my dreams. Every drop of sweat symbolises my demons: my dark thoughts, my bad habits, my self-sabotaging. As the sweat comes pouring out of me, I feel a little bit more of my negativity being melted away.
All this toxic excess weight that I carry around with me is a symbol of my self-destruction – of holding myself back from my true potential. As I chip away at the layers of self-hate, I slowly begin to see the beauty that lies beneath. The beauty that was always there. The beauty that I denied; the beauty that I took for granted; the beauty that I tried to suppress and destroy. Not just physical beauty: mental beauty, spiritual beauty, emotional beauty.
In my darkest days, all my best qualities deserted me. I could not laugh. I could not love. I could not even think. It was as if my soul had been snatched away, held hostage by a demon who instigated many months of self-destructive behaviour. Binge-eating, withdrawing from life and general complacency with my career and purpose.
I know that part of the cause of this behaviour was the little girl inside of me. The little girl who had endured many knocks during her childhood. The little girl who acted brave even when her heart was breaking. The little girl who sometimes felt like she was not enough, because she was different. This little girl decided she must portray herself as a strong survivor to the rest of the world. She kept so many thoughts and feelings bottled up inside. Feeling like an outsider. Feeling not rich enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough. Her parents divorce making her feel like even more of an outsider when all her friend’s parents were still together.
This little girl was awoken in my depressive state… but I didn’t want to feel all those old feelings. I didn’t want to face them. With every binge, I felt like I could numb the pain. If I ate enough, maybe I could take away the pain completely.
Obviously that was not the case. Trying to suppress and deny my past pain only caused more pain. A vicious cycle of depression, overeating, pain, more eating, more depression and on and on.
Writing this now, it seems so obvious and simple. But now I feel more like an observer of myself. I had to remove myself from that dark hole. I had to stop letting my demon child and my little girl personalities dictate my actions. I had to step back. I can talk to them now. I can find out what’s making them mad or sad.
I will also no longer try to be the sergeant major, trying to run my life – shouting and pushing myself and punishing myself every time I slip up or things don’t go according to plan.
I have to be nicer to myself…
11 June 2007
The lure of overeating junk food seems to fade every day. Despite trying circumstances I have held my ground against the temptation to binge.
Reading the book ‘The Secret’ really helped me.
I am so excited about starting this new chapter in my life. The world is opening itself to me and I am faced with endless options and opportunities.
So that’s where my journal entries come to an end… and where I’ll pick up and share with you a brief outline of my memories of life, food, my mood during the next few years.
I quit my personal training job and started working in the film industry. I thought it would be a once off shoot and then I’d pursue my dream of having an imported clothing boutique. One film job in and I was hooked! I was newly single, new career, new places, new people and life was fun fun fun. Whatever excess weight I’d been carrying around effortlessly melted away. After so many years of dieting and exercising and clean living, I swung in the opposite direction. Playing as hard as I worked, I started smoking, drinking and partying.
I was fully immersed in my new film career, but also fully immersed in not giving a fuck about my body. I hardly ever exercised, ate whatever catering was going around (daily greasy toasted sarmies!) and smoked and drank A LOT. My weight started to creep.
And creep and creep…
I was at least 5 kilos heavier. I can’t really remember major emotional binge-eating episodes, but I’m pretty sure they were happening. I also hadn’t fully healed from my abusive relationship and other past traumas. So I was coasting along, partying and not really allowing myself to feel. I think the weight gain was also a subconscious way of keeping men at a distance – like a buffer between me and the world.
2010 and 2011
…were pretty much the same. Work. Party. Not much fitness or health going on. In 2011 I went on a trip to America and when I looked at the photos of myself, it was like looking at someone else. I looked so big. My weight topped out somewhere in 2011 at 75 kilograms. I’m trying to think of the catalyst for me saying enough is enough and turning things around. Maybe it was the frustration of not fitting into any of my clothes. Maybe it was the way I felt. I remember going to the doctor to check if my thyroid and everything else was ok, because I just felt like crap. All my tests came back fine. It was obviously just my terrible lifestyle habits.
So somewhere around mid 2011, I took a long hard look at my unrecognisable reflection and decided it was time for change. I didn’t do anything extreme. There wasn’t a crazy workout regime or cleanse or anything. I just started to eat a little better and move a little bit more… I think there were also some cute guy interests that came along during this time. Work was also picking up. So again, as you can see… it’s usually not just about the food. There are so many factors in life that cause us to self-medicate or self-sabotage through food and other lifestyle habits. If I was bored or sad or feeling empty and I didn’t have the tools to cope and deal with these issues, then I would turn to food.
rolled around and I was looking and feeling much better. I still had my vices: smoking and probably drinking and partying a bit too much, but I’d lost most of my excess weight.
In March of 2012 I met someone very special (he’s now my husband!) and so life was amazing.
Young love, work was good and I had started to get back into yoga and moving more.
2013 / 2014
I started to really fall in love with yoga and that influenced my other lifestyle choices. I defs cut back on the partying and smoking and paid more attention to what was going into my body. It sort of snowballed from there. I started to educate myself on all things nutrition and healthy lifestyle related. Juice cleanses were all the rage then and I enjoyed experimenting with them. Vegan food was also taking off in Cape Town and I loved to try healthy new things. People at work would come to me for advice or to learn about anything health or fitness related. This lit me up.
In 2014 I started trying out some intense exercise classes like Sweat1000 and Switch. I had only really been doing yoga and the occasional run for so many years. I remember my first Sweat1000 class, I nearly passed out! The classes were such a vibe though: the thumping music, the group energy and the physical challenge which felt amazing after a few sessions. My fitness started to improve and of course my physique looked better and better.
I don’t remember weighing myself or tracking my diet during these years. I just went with the flow. Ate intuitively, moved my body and felt pretty good most of the time.
My love of all things health and wellness led me to studying a year long holistic health coaching course with The Institute for Integrative Nutrition. I absolutely loved the course. I explored so many different dietary theories and also (most importantly) the power of Primary Food. This is something that I’d kind of intrinsically known but hadn’t really pieced together in my life. Primary Food is: relationships, career, movement and spirituality – all things that “feed” us besides food. When our Primary Food is lacking or out of balance, then our wellbeing will be out of kilter. That was why whenever my Primary Food was screwed in the past (relationship and career troubles, boredom, lack of exercise etc) I turned to Secondary Food (actual food!) but in a non-nourishing way. So many A-HA! Moments! The course was so enlightening and healing for me.
My spiritual practice was also deepening and this allowed me to do so much trauma healing. My course came to an end and I thought that I would just magically change careers. Not so.
For two years, I did nothing with my health coaching qualification. Well not nothing. I dolled out advice and wellness tips to anyone who asked. I took care of my own health and fitness… but I was frustrated at not being able to fulfill my dream. The film industry had lost its sparkle for me. I wanted out, but I was terrible at saving and every film job offer just kept me tied down.
… I hope you are enjoying these posts. Please stay tuned for Part 3 coming soon!
I have to preface this post with a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is currently dealing with, or has recently overcome any kind of eating disorder or body dysmorphia or depression. If you are feeling sensitive or easilly triggered, maybe walk away. I also need to state...
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